Who could love me? I am out of my mind - Ryden
by abs0lutelyfantastic
Summary: Ryan thinks back and remembers his old days when he was still with Panic! and especially - with Brendon. He can't help but think about the reason he left the band the fact that he never told anyone but Jon. People obviously guessed it but no one knows for sure - only Brendon and Ryan do. I do not own any lyrics.
1. Prologue

_I look up and realise that there's almost only couples around. And if they're not a couple already, they're just becoming one right at the spot. People dancing, pressing their bodies against eachother's. People making out while they're dancing. The beat is pumping and I can feel it in my ears and chest. I gulp and take another sip of the drink that I have in the red cup in my hand. There's also a couple next to me and I think the only thing that's keeping them from undressing eachother, is me. But I don't think of moving. I could leave but I don't want to have a conversation with someone near the door who's just gonna ask me about why I don't want to stay. Whoever will probably try to find someone for me to dance with and I don't want that either. I just want to keep sitting here by myself, unnoticed by anyone. It actually makes me sad to be here, the people all remind me of my past. Why did I even decide to go? Why am I even here at this stupid party with people that make me remember my horrible past? Well, it wasn't horrible actually. Just the thought of it being over ... that's what's horrible. I keep my eyes wide open and try not to blink so my tears won't stream down my eyes. I will not cry, especially not here. _

_The couple next to me stands up and they make themselves the way through the dancing crowd. I'm sitting on the couch alone now. I look around again, noticing the CD-shelf next to me. I curiously look through the albums and see the title of one, the title that I gave this album. I gulp and want to look away but I can't help but pull the one right next to it out of the grey shelf. I bite my lip and look around again, just checking if someone's watching me. I look at my two former best friends, looking all amazing. I really hate that this stupid past is following me around wherever I go. Even here, at the party of Jon's old buddy, they seem to follow me. He seems to follow me. I let my eyes wander over the cover from left to right. Spencer looks amazing with the tie and the grey suit. Like the fans always say, he's flawless. I close my eyes and open them again to look at the right side. My heart beats faster by just the sight of the picture, it's unreal how sad and pathetic I am. It is so lame, I'm at a party and I'm looking at the album cover of my old band that I found in the shelf next to the couch that I have been sitting on all night. I really hate this. The sight of Brendon on the cover gives me shivers, he looks so good with the black suit and the bow tie. And he would look even better if he was also wearing a top-hat, like he did on the Fever-tours. I bite my lip and manage to get the CD into the shelf again without anyone noticing. I look around again. "Ryan, come on! Dance!", Jon shouts over from the crowd. I just shake my head. He looks disappointed and turns back around to the blonde girl he's dancing with. I get up with my empty cup and get a new drink at the bar. "You alright?", the tall girl asks as she fills my cup. I nod. "Yeah, thanks", I reply and sit on a bar stool. Who would someone even get his living room like that? Bar and bar stools? Room for dancing and enough couches for people to make out? Who would want to live here? Well, it's Vegas, I guess._

_"Are you sure that you're okay?", the girl asks again. "Yeah." "You were looking at the albums that Zac has. What kind of music are you into?", she says. Oh, fuck. Someone actually noticed me being all curious and weird. "Um...", I stutter. Why is she even talking to a weird mess like me? I run my fingers through my hair. "The Beatles", I say. She smiles. "That's not saying anything about your taste in music, everyone likes them." I laugh slightly. "I know but I just really love them. What about you?" I didn't have a proper conversation with anyone in a while, it feels weird because I usually block everything. "I don't know. I actually quite liked your old band. You were in Panic! at the Disco, weren't you?" I smile. "Yeah." "I liked the stuff you wrote, it was brilliant." I blush a little. "Well, thanks." "It's a shame that you and Jon left the band, Zac told me about it." Did Jon tell Zac the actual reason for why we left? "How much did he tell you?", I ask. "Um ... that they wanted to go back to the direction of the old album and that you wanted to continue like the second one." I nod. "Yeah, that's bascially it, not anything interesting." She smiles. "Well, did you move back here? Or are you just visiting?" "I moved here a couple weeks ago again", I reply. "I live a few blocks away." "Oh, awesome. Do you like to be back home?" I nod. "You probably don't even remember me from High School, do you?" Fuck, I know her?! How? I stare at her and think about it. "Sorry! I'm so stupid, should've introduced myself before I asked you all those stupid questions!" She laughs. "I'm Mandy, Zac's sister." Oh, for some reason I'm relieved that she's not his girlfriend. "Wait, Mandy! Yeah, now I remember you! Zac used to always help you in school during the lunch breaks." "Exactly!" She's grown up so much. She has really long hair now, she has a nice figure and her smile is beautiful. I used to think of her as a little girl always back in school but now ... wow. "Sorry, I didn't want to ask you all those questions about Panic!", she says. "I didn't even know if you feel comfortable about that." I finish my drink and stare at my shoes. "I don't believe that it was okay to ask you about it, I'm really sorry." "It's not your fault, it's what happened." "So ... musical differences weren't the reason?", she asks carefully. "No", I admit and breathe out deeply. "Would you ... like to tell me?", she offers as a tear rolls down my cheek. _


	2. Nicotine

"I loved it, man! That was awesome", Spencer said and high-fived Brendon. "I liked it too", I agreed. "We really need you to join", Brent said and Brendon smiled big. "Really? Guys, that's awesome. I can't believe it!", he shouted. He seemed really excited about this actually. "Can I throw an idea in? Like ... just a thought?", Brent asked and looked around at all of us. I nodded and we waited for him to talk. "Um ... no offense, Ryan ... but I think that we should take Brendon as our vocalist." I stared at him. He just wanted to replace me? "You're not kicking me out, are you?" "No, of course not! I just think you should play guitar and do background vocals. You know I really like your voice but Brendon's is like ... just ... you can recognize it really easily and it's really catchy, you know." I gulped and looked at Brendon who didn't seem too comfortable now. He bit his lip and looked at me, curious about my reaction. I didn't know him well enough to know if he'd actually be modest and disagree with Brent of if he'd want to replace me as the singer. "I agree", Spencer said, chewing on his bottom lip. Everyone felt uncomfortable, it was obvious. But for me it was the worst, they liked Brendon's voice better than mine. Even though I did too, I felt like it was an insult. He said 'no offense' but it had actually offended me. "I think so too", I agreed and smiled at Brendon. He breathed in deeply and his eyes were wide open. He looked really surprised. "Are you guys sure? I mean ... you're like the founders and I just came in. I didn't want to take your place, Ryan. I'm sorry, I don't want to get you as my enemy from right at the start." "Your voice is better than mine, let's all admit it." He shouldn't be modest about his voice, it was perfect. "But ... is everyone really sure?" We all nodded. He felt uncomfortable still but you could also see how he was tensing up. "This is so exciting! But, Ryan ... you have to do background still, at least!" "Yeah, of course", Spencer agreed with Brendon. "And you're writing anyway, Ry. It's okay for you to play Ryan's songs, Brendon?" Brendon nodded. "Sure, from what I've heard so far, I love it! It's just brilliant, I mean, I've never heard such good lyrics." He looked at me with his big brown eyes like he was admiring me. "I wish I could write like that", he said and sighed. I blushed. I felt good because of that compliment, it kind of made the replacing better.

_Well, I actually had never cared about Brendon replacing me as the singer, he has the voice of an angel._


	3. Haven't You Heard

Brendon and I had been sending demos around for ages, we had been giving them out at gigs and even asked people on the street to check our stuff out. I realised that Brendon and I had a lot in common and I was really glad he had joined the band. He seemed to understand my love for music and it was good that we took him as our vocalist because seriously ... his voice was fucking gorgeous. I looked over at him playing guitar and singing, watching the people sitting in the bar, drinking and staring up at the stage. I saw how people actually seemed to like us, it felt great to see everyone stop their talking to listen to our music. And that's why we were giving all the promotion around, I really wanted people to listen to our stuff, maybe they'd like it and I just really wanted to get it out there, making people at least try to listen. I noticed how people actually seemed to really like "Camisado". That made me happy, it was such a personal song and still people loved it. I hoped that if we had more fans, I could tell the story about my dad and make people like the song even more. But I didn't want any sympathy right now.

But my favourite song to play live was definitely "Time To Dance", that's what made the people wake up and actually care about us. And then when they heard "Camisado" it just made me feel good about the band, made me feel good about what we were actually doing.

When we left the stage, Spencer padded my back. "That was awesome, man! Wasn't it?" I nodded with a big smile. I couldn't even describe how happy I was, I had never been so happy, starting this band had definitely been the right decision. I looked around at the others, Brent and Brendon high-fived me and we took our stuff and brought it to the car. "I'm going home now, I still have to do some promotion, okay? I know it's my turn tonight", Spencer explained, getting into his car. "How am I supposed to get home?", Brendon asked, he was all hyper. Some people found that kind of him annoying but I loved it because it obviously brought you into a good mood because he was always so cheery. "Take a taxi, dude", Spencer said and drove away with a smirk. "Well, I'll go have a drink inside", Brendon said and walked back into the bar. "Are you leaving too?", Brent asked me. I didn't want to go home already, home made me feel alone and weird. My appartment was still not fully decorated and I didn't have enough furniture to make myself a home. It was weird living alone. But at the same time ... it felt good to not have to look after someone. Well, no. It wasn't good living alone when I looked at it this way. I gulped. "No, I'll have a drink too. What about you?", I asked Brent. "I have to bring our stuff home anyway and I need to call this guy from the club I know, talking him into letting us play in front of this huge crowd on Friday." "Right! I hope it works out well!" "Well, same. So, tell Brendon, okay?" "I will, see you tomorrow! When should we be there?" "Around five, I guess. I'll text you." "Okay, bye." I turned around and walked in again, Brendon was sitting at the bar and pointed to a stool next to him. "Good boy! Not letting me drink alone!", Brendon shouted as I sat down and he finished a shot. "One for him too!", he ordered and the barkeeper put down a glass on the bar in front of me. "Thanks", I nodded. "Are you alright, Brendon?" "Yeah, sure! Where are the others?", he still wondered cheerily as hell. "Spencer's promoting and Brent's calling this guy who he wants to let us play on Friday." "Oh my god! That big thing, this has to work, we'll blow up!" He grinned, he seemed totally excited. I just nodded and took the shot. Brendon ordered two more. How could he be so up and hyper all the time? I mean, I knew he had ADHD but wow.

We cheered to basically everything, the band, a new song that he wrote and then sang out loudly in the bar, music in general and the decision that we had made with the band and everything. I just wanted to be around him the whole time, he made me forget everything bad in the world. I was so glad that he had tried out for the band, it just had been what I needed. I was so glad that I had made a new friend who could cheer me up so well without even trying.

We left the bar at 4 in the morning, both taking a cab downtown. "You never saw my place, wanna come in?", I offered. "Oh, I'm exhaused! Another time, alright?", he replied. Exhausted? He still seemed to be awake and hyper as fuck! Well, now that I thought about it, actually _I_ was exhausted. I got out of the cab and ran my fingers through my hair. I would probably fall asleep the second I'd lie down. "Okay, see you at Brent's tomorrow! Bye!" "Bye, tonight was awesome!", he replied. "Show and drinks, should do it again!" I nodded with a smile and walked into the building, taking the elevator up to my floor. When I unlocked the door of my appartment, I undressed on the way into the bedroom and when my head hit the pillow I fell asleep in only my boxers and socks.


	4. I'm The New Cancer?

We were all laughing as we walked to the fancy hotel that we wanted to stay in. Well, after that major gig we had just played at the club Brent's friend owned, we could afford it. Looking around in the lobby, we all decided that we shouldn't exaggerate with spending money and at least share rooms. I didn't mind to share with any of the guys as long as we wouldn't really have to sleep in the same bed. "I'll share with Spencer then, is that alright?", Brent asked and looked around. "I know you snore, Ryan!" I laughed and blushed. "I don't!" "Hey, trip with the class a few years ago, we shared a room, I couldn't sleep any night!" "Shut up, Spencer", I said and bit my lip, why did he have to tell that? "Well, I don't mind, I snore too", Brendon said and patted my shoulder. "Perfect then", Brent commented and checked in at the reception desk where a pretty blone was working. She nodded at all of us, smiling and then pointed to the elevators.

We went up to our floor and as soon as Brendon and I were in the room, he kicked his shoes off and threw himself on the bed on the right. "That was an awesome gig, wasn't it?!", he asked with a big smile on his face. He reached out for his suitcase and pulled it up on the bed. "It was", I said, watching him putting his glasses on. "Better", he grinned. I sat down on the bed too and took a sip from the water bottle in my hand. I kicked my shoes away and lay back on the bed. "Hey, Ryan?", Brendon asked, not looking at me so I stared at the ceiling too. "Yeah?", I replied, curious about the seriousnesss in his voice. "I'm really sorry for taking your place in the band ... if we actually become famous, you'll probably regret just giving me the chance." "I won't regret it, your voice is amazing." "But I'm still sorry. The singer gets most of the attention and if that happens to us, well ... me, you will think that this could've been you." "Brendon?" "Yeah?" "Do I seem like the person who wants attention?" I heard him turn his head. I looked at him. He smiled. "No, you're right. But I'm still sorry. You have to sing in the background more and everyone needs to know it's your lyrics. You're the best writer I've ever known and your voice is great, it's a big compliment from you when you tell me you like mine." Wow, I only knew him as this cheery energy ball but now he was kind of serious, I never knew this side of him. Well, I guess that's how it felt when you actually got to know someone. "Thank you", I said at the compliments. He smiled and stared away again. I gazed back at the ceiling.

"Are you hungry too?", Brendon asked after a while of just lying there. "Starving", I admitted. He laughed and walked over to the phone on the wall. "Room service, what will it be?", he asked with a grin, looking at me. "Pizza, please." "Let's share, hawaii?" "Great."

He ordered it and we both changed into boxers and shirt, I took the bathroom and looked at myself as I heard the noise of Brendon shutting the closet. I had lost weight, I realised. Just a little but it was noticeable. It must've been from all the stress and the playing lately. My hair was messy, as always. I ran my fingers through it and looked at the mirror closer. I realised myself, I looked happier. Happier than I had barely ever been before. I smiled and I for some reason _kind of _liked what I saw. Maybe I could even be appealing to people soon, maybe people would think I looked nice.

When I got out of the bathroom, Brendon had changed too and put the pizza on the couch, switching through the channels. "What's on?", I asked and sat down next to the pizza, starting to eat immediately because I was so fucking hungry and hadn't eaten all day. "Nothing, just crap", Brendon replied and shrugged as he put the remote down when he came across some game show. After he had told me what he thought earlier, I felt like I had to say something too, to let him know that he was not the only one thinking about stuff like that. When we were both staring at the TV, I breathed in deeply and said: "Brendon?" "Yeah?" "It's good that we have you in the band now and you don't need to feel sorry for being the singer, it's completely fine for me to do background." "Really?" "Yeah, it's even better to know that you're my friend." He smiled and I smiled back at him, he looked as happy as I felt. "Good, I love how you all became my friends too, this is more that I had ever expected."

Suddenly someone knocked on the door like crazy. I walked over and opened. Brent and Spencer ran in, Spencer carrying his laptop. "What's up?", Brendon shouted and looked over Spencer's shoulder as he put down the laptop on the kitchen table. "You know we all sent the demos around and you have no idea what just happened!", Brent shouted and we looked at him, Spencer was just grinning like a fool. "Someone who could make us really famous got the demo...", Brent started slowly. "Get to the point, man!", Brendon shouted. "_Pete Wentz _is driving down here to see us play!" I ran to the fridge and got the champagne and we all cheered to the fact that we were dancing around in a fancy hotel room because _Pete fucking Wentz _got our demo and wanted to see us!


	5. Time to Dance

I looked from Brendon to Pete, back from Pete to Brendon. He was just gonna win him over with how passionate he looked while he was singing. Pete looked impressed already. I smiled over at Brendon as he looked at me. He smiled back. I looked down at my guitar that Pete was staring at while I was playing at the same time Spencer was drumming. Brendon started singing again, his voice was just so amazing, we would just have chance because of his voice, Pete must've been liking it so much. It wasn't possible to not like Brendon's voice, it was basically ... magical. And I was happy to be a part of the band that had this amazing singer who could get us basically everywhere.

We finished the song and all looked at Pete who was just silently sitting at the table in front of the stage we were on, his phone in one hand, a bottle of beer in the other. He looked serious first and kept a pokerface on but then his lips turned into a smile. He stood up and just clapped along with the other people in the club who had actually been listening. The sound of applause, the sound of people cheering, it made me feel so good. Once again I knew that I was doing the right thing with my life and that my dad probably even would've been proud. When we got off stage, Pete smiled still. "That was awesome, guys. I am really impressed. It was fucking worth it to drive down here and see you. I'm signing you. Like I would right now if I had the contract and everything but seriously! You have something that like ... you are super unique, I need you to be the first on my new label!" I gulped and looked at the other guys. Did Pete Wentz really just say that?! He liked our stuff, he liked Brendon's voice and _he liked my lyrics_. "That is ... wow. I can't believe it...", Brent stuttered and looked at Pete. Spencer could only nod. Brendon got his voice back first. "Thank you ... thanks for driving down here and listening to us play, it's so amazing. We're such big fans of Fall Out Boy, seriously! This is unreal, just meeting you." "Why don't we meet in New York and I'll sign you?", Pete suggested. My heart was beating so fast, was this actually happening? We all stared at him and then he exchanged numbers with Brendon and said he'd call us and if not, we should just call him.

When he left the club we all stared at eachother, then we fell into a big group hug, not believing what had just happened to us! "That is crazy, Pete Wentz is signing us!", Brent shouted and I was sure that every single person in the club was looking at us now but we absolutely didn't care. "We are gonna be famous!", Spencer screamed. "He liked our stuff, he liked the songs and everything!", I said loudly. Brendon just laughed his adorable cheery laugh that made everything just even better right now.

We spent the night at the bar, all drinking at a table in the corner, cheering to everything again. How did all of this happen so quickly? We weren't playing together for so long! It was just ... it was me and the guys who started the band, Brendon started playing with us and now this! This was crazy, we would be signed to a label and we would probably become famous because Pete could promote everything and make it good nevermind if it was or not. I still couldn't believe that he liked the songs, I felt amazing. We cheered another time. "I think I'll go up to the hotel room now", Brent said and got up. "Joining you", Spencer said and followed him. Brent turned around as they reached the door. "Are you staying?" "Just for a little while", Brendon said and smiled. "What about you, Ryan?" He looked over at me with his deep brown eyes. I gulped and nodded. "Yeah, I think so too." "Alright, goodnight!" They left and I hoped they weren't taking the car because they definitely had had too much to drink. We could walk anyway, the way back wasn't that long.

Brendon leaned back in his chair. "That was fucking awesome tonight, wasn't it? I mean, _Pete Wentz_! Wow! Fucking wow!", he shouted and whenever he finished a sentence, his voice got higher. I smiled and nodded. "Your voice must've really convinced him", I said and finished the drink in front of me. Brendon shook his beer bottle around in his hand and bit his lip. "What?", I asked. He shook his head. "No, it wasn't my voice. Damn, Ryan, it was your lyrics that must've blown him away." "No way." "We agree to disagree?" "Yes." He high-fived me and smiled his cheery smile again.

We drank a few more glasses and then left the bar too. When we were at the door upstairs, he unlocked it and grinned as he let me walk in first. "You're so stupid!", I laughed. He was laughing too, we had been laughing the whole way back. "You're a giggly drunk!", Brendon laughed. "Guilty." "Well, same." "That was an awesome show, we'll be famous, Ryan", Brendon said with a sudden serious look in his eyes and leaned back at the wall, locking my eyes. "I know", I grinned. He grinned too again. He high-fived me again and then hugged me tightly. I wrapped my arms around him too and padded his back. "Hey, you smell nice", Brendon said as he pulled back. "Back at ya", I laughed and went into the bathroom to change. When I got back into the bedroom, Brendon was sleeping in his bed already. "Goodnight, man", I whispered when I turned off the light. "Goodnight", he replied with his sweet voice and I heard him turn around, drifting into a fast sleep.


	6. Keep On Keeping On

"Get off the fucking floor, Brent!", I heard someone shout and sat straight in my bed. I looked around. It smelled horrible around in the appartment. "Stop shouting, dickhead!", Brendon shouted and I saw him getting up from the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. He grabbed his glasses from the table and put them on. "Brent, get up!", he shouted along with Spencer and I saw Brent standing up from the floor. "Damn, I fell asleep while I was writing...", he recalled with a husky tone behind his voice. I got out of bed and walked over to the little kitchen part, making coffee. "Did you come up with anything good?", I asked into Brent's direction. "I think so, check it...", he replied and handed me the sheet with the chords. I took a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table, picking up my guitar that was leaning against the wall. I played the chords that he wrote and thought about how it would sound when we both played it? Maybe it would be good? "You didn't like the part I wrote? It's the same thing I had last night!" "Fuck, sorry...", he said and sighed, taking the paper out of my hands and ripping it apart. He threw it on the floor. "What the hell, Brent?!" Brendon laughed. "We all know we have the song ready! We just need to go into the studio and record it, it won't get better. It can only get worse now", he said. Spencer nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I think Brendon's right."

Suddenly a phone rang from somewhere in the appartment. "Whose is it?", Spencer yawned and took a cup of coffee too. "I think it's mine...", I said and got up, following the noise. "Or mine, I have the same ringtone", Brendon added and started looking for the phone too. "It's mine!", he shouted from the couch and took the call. I sat back in the chair again, disappointed that it hadn't been my phone. I went back to the bedroom though because I needed to find my phone anyway. What the fuck even was this chaos? Pete had said when we finished the album, he would send us off for a tour, maybe that would be better than this stinky and super disgusting one-bedroom flat. I needed to get out of here, I mean I liked the guys and all but it was getting too annoying, no one had his space, it was just horrible.

"Guys, we need to get to the studio! I told Pete we're done, we've been without enough sleep for days now, we need to get it done and record the last two songs!", Brendon said and came back into the kitchen part. Gradually we all went into the bathroom, showered and got changed, then we drove to the studio with Brent's car. No one was talking, we were all tired and really annoyed by eachother. I hoped it was going to be better when we were touring, I couldn't wait to tour. "Does anyone need to get something out?", Brendon asked. We all stared at him. "What?!", Brent asked back. "Everything's fine by me", Spencer said to not get involved in a fight, that's what I liked about him. I always had. "Same", I agreed. "What about you, Brent?", Brendon said when he was not replying. "Yeah...", he said and stared straight at the street. I knew something was up, I knew they both had something they weren't okay with but they wouldn't talk it out. I was aware that this would be between them now.

But when we ended up at the bar that we celebrated in, with Pete and some other people from the label, everything was alright and we knew that we could tour soon and everything would change again. We all cheered to the success it already had online and that people were saying they'd buy it really soon. I was so excited for everything and I hated that I was too shy to freak out like Brendon and just jump around, dancing and telling everyone how happy I was. I was happy on the inside. It was just crazy, I really wanted to show off what I was thinking. "Hey, Ryan! You ok?", Pete asked and patted my shoulder as everyone else had disappeared to the dancefloor. "Yeah, sure." "Are you happy with how the album turned out? I love your lyrics...", Pete said. Damn, why couldn't I keep up a normal conversation? "Thanks", I whispered, blushing already. Pete laughed and raised his drink. "You're welcome! And I think you guys can really make it, you'll become big, dude!" I heard him talking but just looked past him, seeing Brendon dancing with a girl that had coloured hair and a nose piercing.


	7. For The Fallen Ones

"And then he just hung up?", Jac asked. "Yeah, honey but I don't know if it would've worked out with him anyway", I explained and walked through the backlounge with my phone. I really wanted to hang up and finally go out because the others were waiting. But I had promised Jac that I would explain everything to her when changes in the band happened. "Well, then you're better off without him. Like you said, he wasn't taking any responsibility, right?" "Exactly", I said. "Good, if Brendon recorded the bass parts and you now have someone new, it's all good, huh?" She just wanted to cheer me up and make sure that I was alright and that's what I liked about her so much. "Yeah, we're fine now." "Good! So the tour is going well, isn't it?" I smiled. "Yeah, it really is. You have to come out when we're around." "Awesome, I can't wait!" "Look, I have to go now but I will call you again soon, okay?" "Oh, sorry! I didn't want to keep you on the phone for so long! Have a good time, love you!" "Love you too, bye!" I clicked the call away and put my phone in the pocket of my skinnies. Then I left the bus. Spencer was the only one who was waiting still. "What took you so long?", he asked when we went to the bar the others had gone too. "Oh, I just had to explain it all to Jac, you know. She wondered what happened with Brent." "Oh, okay. What I wanted to ask you, do you like Jon?" I nodded and smiled. "Yeah, he's awesome." "Do you also think the band is better with him?" "Yeah, seriously."

After a few minutes we reached the bar and sat down at a table next to Brendon and Jon. Jon was our new bassist, he seemed to be pretty nice and he was uncomplicated, living on the road with him was so easy and Brent had always been so complicated and never took care of anything. Performing with him was cool too and I think I had become pretty good friends with him already, he seemed to understand everything and we had a lot in common. I looked around in the bar, it was some people dancing, some other people getting wasted right at the bar. One girl was talking her life out to the barkeeper. Then there was people making out in the corner or leaning against the wall. Next to us was another group of guys playing some drinking game. I bit my lip and took a sip of my beer. I had never been big on alcohol though. "Are you alright, dude?", Spencer asked me. I nodded. Why did everyone always think something was wrong with me? Did I look sad? I really needed to work on that, I guess.

At the end of the night, when I was just about to get a new drink from the bar, one of the guys next to us suddenly collapsed after he wanted to stand up. I was shocked because he broke down right next to me. The flashback broke down on me immedaitely. My mind was spinning, my thoughts were a mess and I just wanted to get that picture out of my head. Fuck, why did this have to happen? I looked at the guy's friends and how they were trying to get him up. Some other people tried to help because he wasn't moving. The barkeeper called the hospital when they couldn't wake him up and I just stood there, completely in shock. I couldn't move either, the glass in my hand shattered down on the floor. I gulped and looked around, I needed to escape this mess. When I ran out of the bar, I saw the ambulance stopping in front of the bar already. I just walked the way back that I had walked along with Spencer a few hours earlier. I _needed _to get away from everything. When I finally reached the bus, I realised that all of that had been happening right next to me and I felt nothing. I only felt that horrible burning in my head that made me recall everything. I threw myself into my bunk and closed it.

After a few seconds I heard a knock on the other side. I opened the bunk and saw Brendon in front of me. "Hey, are you alright?" Again, why did he assume something was wrong? Suddenly I realised that I was crying. With the sleeve of my shirt I wiped my tears away and bit my lip. Great, now Brendon had seen me cry. Why was I such a lame weirdo? I stood up and walked away from him, without a word I got a glass of water in the kitchen part and sat down on the sofa in the frontlounge. "Why did you leave?", Brendon asked and sat down next to me. I just had to tell someone, I had to tell him. "The guy that broke down right next to me at the bar ... I had seen that so many times. My dad, you know..." Brendon gasped. "Oh ... so I mean, I know that 'Camisado' is about him but ... what exactly happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me. You just seem like you have to get it out." I loved how he could also be serious, not cheery and immature all the time. "I never tell anyone. "You don't have anyone you talk to? You didn't even tell Jac?" "No, she has no idea." "Fuck, man. You need people to talk to when you have a past like this! And it's obviously still bugging you so you need to get it out! You can tell me, okay? I'm always there if you need someone to talk to, alright? Trust me, I can keep it to myself. As crazy and open I might seem sometimes, I can keep it a secret if you need me to." I looked up to him and smiled. "Well ... when I was younger, I always had to take care of my dad. He was an alcoholic, you know. And then he became sober after he left the hospital but it never helped, after some time he always went back to the old habits again. He never stopped and he even couldn't when he knew how much it hurt me. How often did he break down next to me? How often did I find him in the appartment? It was killing me, you know. But I can't even hate him. I just miss him, I miss him so much. And now he can't even see all that's happening to me! I wish he was still around, I just wish he could see what I'm doing!" Brendon lied his arm around my shoulder when tears started pouring down my face again, I couldn't hold them back and now I didn't even care anymore because I just loved how I could get it all out right now. "He probably wouldn't even care...", I whispered after a while. I couldn't even think, all my throughts left my lips straight away. "What do you mean? You think he wouldn't care about what you achieved with us?" I just nodded and sobbed. "He wouldn't give a fuck." "He would care, man! Believe me, he would." I just shook my head. He patted my shoulder and smiled at me when I looked up into his eyes, he seemed so genuine. "Look at your lyrics, look at how amazing your voice is. He'd be proud of you, Ry. Trust me, he would be fucking proud."


	8. We're Lost In A Dream Now

"Where's Brendon?", I asked when I saw Jon walking out the bus. "Something's wrong with him but I can really not figure out what happened. Maybe you can ask him, he might tell you." "Fuck, okay!" I closed the door behind me and walked through the bus, the bunks were all empty. I opened the door to the backlounge and saw Brendon leaning against the wall on the floor, his one hand covered his eyes, the other was in a firm grip around his phone. I breathed in deeply and then sat down next to him, patting his arm. "What's up, dude?", I asked, speaking quietly. He put his hand away from his eyes and stared at me. "I really don't wanna talk about it." "But you seem so upset, you know that you can talk to me. I know that I can trust you so you can trust me too." "Ryan, I really don't want to bother you with my problems." "Hey, remember when I told you about my dad? I was crying and told you the whole story. You kept that to yourself and now I will listen to you." "Are you sure?" "Completely sure." He gulped and stared at his knees that he had pulled up to his chest. He pressed his lips together, then he stared back at me. He was obviously sad but I was happy that he wasn't crying. I probably wouldn't have been able to handle that. Brendon wasn't one to cry, he seemed so strong and happy all the time. This wasn't him and I hoped that I could cheer him up like always made me laugh when I was upset.

"Audrey and I broke up", he said. I bit my lip. I didn't know what to say to that. And I wasn't good at comforting people or cheering people up. I had just offered him to tell me because I could always talk to him about my problems. And now I didn't know how to help him. "I'm so sorry...", I whispered slowly. "But I didn't know you were so serious." "Well, I didn't think so either. But now that it's over ... I miss her already." "Something particular causing the break-up?", I asked. He shook his head. "That really doesn't matter! It's just ... I don't want to annoy you with stuff like that. You can't bitch about stuff like love with me, now that you and Keltie are so happy together." I wondered what made him think that we were totally happy together. I mean, there was nothing wrong but it wasn't like it was super crazily happy. "Well, it still sucks what happened though." "Why do I always fail?!", he asked and sighed. I put my arm around him and he leaned his head against my shoulder. "You never fail." "No girl ever keeps up with me for longer than a few months." "Brendon, seriously. Audrey wasn't right for you, that's all." "No one ever seems to be right for me." "Hey, you're young, dude. We all are, we should definitely not cry over love. Especially not you because you obviously will find someone." "No, I won't. I will end up alone, Ryan." I laughed. "Brendon, you must be kidding. Your voice is outstanding, you look good and you're usually the happiest person I know." "But I obviously can't make anyone else happy." "You make everyone happy, everyone likes you because you're cheery and spread the good vibes." He smiled weakly. "You're only saying this so I feel better." "No, Brendon and I can normally not cheer people up so I'm just telling you what I think right now." "You can't be serious. You have seen me around for a few months now, daily. You can't tell me you're not super annoyed." "Why would I be annoyed?" "Annoyed with my kind, how I act. It's unbearable for some people. I was used to it in school." "Seriously? I never realised that." "Sometimes people don't want to feel good." "Well, I do and that's why I like your company." "Really?" I nodded.

We sat there for a while. "So ... Ryan?", Brendon asked after a while. I looked at him and he locked my eyes. The deep brown of his eyes kept me caught up in his lost look. I gulped and pressed my lips together. "Hm?" He smiled. "So you think I will find someone?" My head was dizzy and I didn't know what to say. So I just decided to let out what I was thinking, my mind was such a crazy mess at that moment. "Yeah, of course. Brendon, you're basically perfect and everyone would be stupid to turn you down." He blushed and leaned down to me like he couldn't believe what I was saying and wanted to look closer. I blinked quickly and suddenly, before I could even realise what was happening, I felt his lips on mine. I wanted to pull away but I couldn't. I felt myself kissing him back and I felt his speeding up of my heartbeat that I couldn't explain. I closed my eyes, I shivered and moved closer to Brendon. What was going on with me? This was ... wow. Kissing Keltie was nothing against this. I felt him gently biting my bottom lip to get me closer and I smirked. He smiled on my lips too.

After an eternity of time, we both pulled away and I realised that he was staring just like I was. My eyes were wide open and all I could do was get up and walk out of the backlounge, out of the bus and off the venue. What the fuck did just happen and why did it cause heavy breaths and my heart beating madly?


	9. Love Is Not A Choice

After this incident, things between me and Brendon were really weird but I knew for sure that I wanted it to happen again. He hadn't told anyone obviously but the tension between us was odd. He was trying to talk to me normally but I always became nervous and awkward and just avoided speaking alone with him at all so I made sure that Jon would share hotel rooms with me from now on, not Brendon.

I looked around all confused when Brendon was setting up the mic. I bit my lip when I stared at him from the back. When I noticed that the others were looking at me though from the corner of my eye, I quickly directed my attention towards my guitar again and started tuning it right. "Ryan, are you alright?", Jon asked next to me. I looked at him. "Yeah, totally fine", I said and tried to not look at Brendon who had turned around to me now. Wasn't he wanting everything to happen again or did he see it as a big mistake that should never be mentioned again? Because I wanted to at least talk about it. I didn't have the guts to start a conversation about it though.

When we came on stage after or opening act, the crowd was awesome and I was blown away. I had been told that the concert was sold out but wow. I was so impressed and looked over to the others. They were all grinning, seeming happy as well. Brendon came over to me as we started playing. "Awesome, right?", he asked. "The crowd? Amazing!", I replied but no one could hear us because we were away from the mics. Playing this show was the best one that had happened so far. Brendon looked amazing with the top-hat and I was happy that we chose that kind of style and look for the tour. I stared back at Spencer who was giving me thumbs up in the middle of drumming. Stuff was thrown on stage and the people were all singing along, it felt amazing how they knew all the lyrics to the songs that I had written. I had never thought people at a show would all be able to sing along to the songs that meant so fucking much to me.

In the middle of the next song, Brendon moved over to me and started singing directly at me. I was so stunned and my heart started beating faster. He was so close to me, his face was so close to mine and I loved the way his lips were moving. I looked him up and down and he was locking my eyes. I couldn't breathe, it felt like I wasn't able to breathe at all anymore. I had stopped playing for this very moment and I only wanted to make a step closer to him and kiss him again. My jaw was basically on the floor and I couldn't handle the tension at all. I wanted to turn away so I wouldn't be too disappointed later but I couldn't. People must've been thinking I was crazy so I forced my fingers onto the strings again and continued playing, playing along with what he was doing. I smiled and joined in on his expression. We both grinned. Brendon bit his lip and made me feel weak again. What the hell was happening to me? Was I into Brendon? Did I actually really _like _him?

After the show I had to share the dressing room with him because the names were on the doors. After I had closed the door and walked forward, taking my shirt off, Brendon suddenly took my hand and spun me around. My eyes widened and I was in shock. Even though he had been sweating, he still smelled amazing, like he usually did. He pushed me against the wall though and my lips were formed into an 'o'. My heart was beating faster again. He walked towards me and pressing me against the wall, he kissed me again. My breath became heavier and I could only kiss him back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he ran his fingers through my hair, pressing his crotch against mine to keep me pinned against the wall. Oh god. This was turning me on so much, why was he doing this? So he actually did like me and he didn't want to forget about that first kiss? Was it possible that he was just thinking like I was? That would be amazing but I doubted it. That would be too good, it couldn't be true. But now ... was the awkwardness gone? I was so confused and this kiss just made my head spin.

He pulled back and we smiled at eachother. "The show was amazing, wasn't it?", he asked with a wink and I knew he meant us closely together on stage. I nodded with a smirk. "So ... can we start sharing hotel rooms again?", he wondered. I nodded again. "Definitely. I hated this awkward behavior between the two of us." "Same", he said with a smile and took the top-hat off. I changed into other pants and a grey shirt quickly, converse and a red scarf with that. Brendon looked even better now with just blue skinnies and a black shirt with a tie. "Looks good", I said. "Back at ya!", he grinned and kissed me again for a second.


	10. We're All Too Small

And we continued this without talking about consequences. Every single time we were alone we started to make out or at least sit close and talk about stuff that no one else knew. I felt so comfortable around him and yes, I did start to doubt my sexuality. I had never had a clue. I had been convinced that I was totally straigt. I never knew there might be a possibitly of something else, I never knew I was bi or even gay. I wasn't gay though, I was pretty sure about that because I still had feelings for Keltie. But I couldn't tell her and because I liked her so much still, I couldn't stop dating her. And Brendon didn't care, he did completely understand that.

"How are we doing?!", Pete shouted and sat down next to me with a few drinks, passing them around on the table. We were all at a club to celebrate the success of the tour and the album. "Everything's fine", I replied with a wide smile and put my arm around Keltie next to me. She leaned her head on my shoulder and kissed my neck. "I'm so proud of you", she said and took a sip of her drink. I smiled. "Thank you, babe", I replied and kissed her cheek. "You two are so cute", Pete said with a smirk. "Go find yourself someone too then", I grinned. Keltie laughed. "Please, who wouldn't want him, right?", she agreed. I nodded. Spencer and Jon joined and each took a drink. "Hey, where's Brendon?", I asked them. "He's dancing with this really pretty girl." I looked over to the dancefloor after Jon had said that. He was really dancing close with this girl. And she was pretty, yeah. My heart started beating faster and I could feel the blood rush through my veins really quickly. The way he was looking at her and the way she was looking at him, it hurt me. He was mine. Was I jealous?

When he made his way to the bar after a while, I stood up too. "I'm gonna go get another drink", I explained to the others around the table but no one cared anyway. "Hey, man", Brendon greeted me as we ordered at the same time. "Hey...", I said absently, trying to focus on what I wanted to say, not on the perfect shape of his lips. "Brendon? What was that thing with the bitch on the dancefloor?", I asked and tried to keep calm. "She's not a bitch and her name's Fabiola." "I don't care. What about me? What's up with all that, Brendon?" He looked at me with a confused expression. Then he gritted his teeth and looked at me like he was mad. "Well, you're still with Keltie, aren't you?", he said and seemed hurt now. I could feel how my face became red and he didn't look that calm either. "But just as a cover!", I defended myself and turned around to see if someone was noticing our heated conversation. Luckily no one was. "Well, last time that cover was hidden on your tongue that was down her throat!" I bit my lip. "Whatever", I said and shrugged. He was jealous too, wasn't he? I had to calm down and tried to hold back. I pressed my lips together, took my drink and walked back to the table while Brendon went back to the bitch he had been dancing with before.

I forced myself to not look over again but of course I couldn't. I became more and more jealous over the whole night. Keltie was going early and that left me with no real distraction. After a while I also saw that Fabiola bitch leave the club and Brendon joined our table. "I'm going back to the hotel now so shut up when you come back, okay Ryan?", he asked but didn't even look at me. "I'm leaving too, I think", I said and stood up. Brendon frowned but then he smiled. "Well, alright."

We went back to the hotel together and as soon as the door was closed, he looked at me and his face looked like he was sorry. "I didn't want to be like that to you back at the club, Ry", he said and sighed. I smiled. "It's alright. You were right, I can't expect you to stay single when I have a girlfriend so it's all good." He smiled at put his arms around my waist, then he kissed me. I took a few steps back and he walked with me until my back hit the wall next to the bedroom door. His lips started to move harder on mine and I could suddenly feel his hand tug at my belt. I helped him and then stepped out of my pants as he did the same thing. My heart was racing now and my breath heavy. When his hand grazed over my crotch my eyes widened and I could feel a moan leave my lips. I was so confused and so nervous. He kissed me roughly and then pulled my shirt over my head, I also got him out of his so we both stood there in boxers, me against the wall and him in front of me, kissing me. I could feel him hard against my thigh. I licked my lips and smashed my lips on his again. I wanted to feel him even closer. I could suddenly feel his hand go down my pants, rubbing my crotch. I moaned. "Brendon...", I whimpered and bit my lip. I was so confused, I couldn't understand why he was causing this fast heartbeat. He pulled my boxers down completely and smirked as he saw that I was hard too. He got down on his knees in front of me and I gasped as he took my boner in his mouth fully. How was he so good at this when he wasn't even gay and had only been with girls? I moaned loudly for him and ran my hands through his hair. That felt so good and I didn't even feel weird because he was doing it. "Oh my...", I moaned. He got up again and took my hand, pulling me into the bedroom. I could feel he was shaking too as he stepped out of his boxers as well. Then he turned me around and kissed the back of my neck. "Are you sure about this?", he asked with a slight doubt in his tone. "I don't know, are you?", I said, breathing heavily. "I think so." "Then I am too", I admitted, trusting him. He placed his hands on my hips and then pushed himself inside me, making me moan for him instantly while he started going in a steady pace, groaning my name into my ear and leaving love bites on my neck.


	11. Fancy Flowers

When I woke up the next morning and looked over at Brendon, I couldn't believe it. Last night, that hadn't been a dream, I saw our clothes spread all over the floor and I felt the love bites on my neck. I gasped. I had never thought anything like that would ever happen to me but I didn't even mind. Brendon was still sleeping, he looked so adorable. It was weird that he was sleeping so peacefully because usually he was so cheery and hyper all over the place. I wondered if it'd be awkward when he'd wake up. What would he think? Would he think like me, keeping this up? I stood up and slid into my boxers.

There was a knock on the door. Damn, I couldn't open, Brendon was lying in the bed, naked. I quickly picked up the blanket from the ground and threw it over the lower half of his body. My cheeks burned, I was afraid of someone finding out, I was afraid of being judged. I nervously ran my fingers through my hair and walked over to the door. It was just Jon. "Hey, man. Are you guys up yet?", he asked and stared into the room behind me. "Brendon's still sleeping, should I wake him up?" "Yeah, Pete wants to see us at the headquaters so we should hurry a little", he explained. I smiled. "Alright", I replied. Just when I wanted to close the door, he held me back. "Ryan?" I stared back up at him. "Yeah?" "Are you okay?", he wondered and seemed concerned. I quickly nodded. "Sure?" "Yup." "Okay." I finally closed the door and then walked in on Brendon just getting dressed. "Something to do?", he wondered. "Jon said we should get ready, we're going to see Pete." "Okay", he said and picked his shirt up, pulling it over his head. Was it just me or did he seem distant?

"So, what's following Fever..., guys?", Pete asked and then rested his eyes on each of us for a second. I saw Spencer shrug because obviously no one had thought about that. "Brendon, do you got something?", Pete wondered but Brendon was chewing on his bottom lip and looked absent. I didn't want him to be mad at us so I took a deep breath and finally spoke. "Pete, I've been writing some stuff", I admitted. Pete looked over at me and smiled. "Really?" "Yeah." "Why didn't you say anything before?" "I'm not quite sure about it, it's different. It doesn't sound like stuff from Fever... at all." "Can I hear something or is it just started?" I bit my lip. I could do this, I had shown every single person in this room what I was able to play before. "Give me a guitar and I'll play you a little something." Pete seemed thrilled and got a guitar from the other room. I tuned it right and then started to play one of the songs that I had been working on.

"_Our daydream spills from my gold head, breaks free of my wooden neck, left a nod over sleeping waves, like bobbing bait for bathing cod, floating flocks of candle swans, slowly drift across wax ponds..._" I found them all staring at me. Brendon's face was the best, I loved this expression on his face, he was admiring me so I just continued playing and singing even though I wasn't that comfortable singing a whole song alone. "_The men all played along to marching drums and boy did they have fun behind the sea, they sang, 'So our matching legs are marching clocks, and we're all too small to talk to God, yes, we're all too smart to talk to God'. Toast the fine folks casting silver crumbs to us from the dock, jinxed things ringing as they leak through tiny cracks in the boardwalk, scarecrow now it's time to hatch, sprouting sons and ageless daughters..." _

I finished the song and suddenly I saw my friends clapping around me. "Wow, Ryan that was great", Jon said and messed up my hair. I grinned shyly and felt how I was blushing. "No need to be modest, Ryan, that was awesome", Pete said. "And I like the style too. Didn't you show the others?" I saw the others shake their heads at that question. "Don't you think the direction of that is good?" "I love it!", Jon said. Brendon and Spencer nodded. "It's kind of Beatles-ish", Brendon said with a grin and put his arm around my shoulder. Just that touch sent shivers down my spine. "And we all know Ryan loves the Beatles!", Spencer laughed. "I want you to take that idea as an inspiration. This song is going on the new album, Ryan", Pete announced. "I want to have some more stuff next month." We all nodded and left the studio.

"That was seriously great, dude", Spencer said next to me. "Thanks", I said and felt actually good about myself because they all liked it even though I had been so unsure because of the new style. I should've known that my bandmates had the same taste as me and would probably like what I wrote.

And they did, the songs we created through the following time were great, I loved how I could finally get out all the things I wanted to say. And when I had Keltie come over and listen to the stuff we had produced at the studio already, she was stunned and it was good to know that she was proud of me.

I should've called myself lucky to work with Brendon the whole time but it became more and more complicated to hide what we had going. Brendon had started calling it an affair. And that's what it bascially was. But it was hard to hide, Fabiola and Keltie both had been close to finding it out. So we had to keep it down. But as sure as we were that we had stronger feelings for eachother than for our girlfriends, a break-up was out of the question.


	12. Behind The Sea

Brendon slowly moved over to me on stage and continued singing into my microphone. I grinned as he kissed me on the cheek. He kept doing that and he kept doing stuff in public like that and at first we were scared of people finding out about us but now it was this fandom thing that our fanbase had, they were actually convinced we were in a relationship. But the thing was ... they wanted us to be. At first we didn't quite get that but then it reminded me of the thing that was between Pete and Patrick from Fall Out Boy. The fans called it 'Peterick' and the new thing that the fans obsessed about in our band was what they now called 'Ryden'. I found it quite catchy and funny and because it was actually true but no one knew it because nothing was confirmed, Brendon liked to tease everyone with it and danced or sang to me every once in a while on stage, the fans went nuts about it and this way we could have our affair kind of public but without anyone knowing that it was actually real.

When we went back to the hotel room after the show, Brendon first high-fived me and then gave me a quick kiss. "That was awesome, dude!", he said and jumped around being all hyper again. I smiled and sat down on the couch. "It was." "The songs ... the fans love it! They can already sing along! Everyone loves your lyrics, man, I have to say I love them too but the crowd went crazy with it." I blushed slightly. "I think so, it's pretty amazing to see all those kids scream my lyrics." "It must be." "Hey, you're the vocalist, don't act jealous." He grinned and took my hand, pulling me to the bed next to him. He lied his head on my chest and I ran my fingers through his hair slowly, playing with lose strands. "Are you exhausted too after those new shows?", I asked him and took a deep breath. He grinned and looked up at me. "Yeah", he admitted. "Don't you love how all the fans know about us but no one is actually sure?" I nodded and bit my lip. "I wish we could tell them." "I don't even want to tell Spencer and Jon", he said and looked at me like he was scared. "I understand that. And I couldn't do that to Keltie either."

I felt so sorry because he wasn't with Fabiola anymore but I was still dating Keltie. It wasn't just a cover though, it was because I actually still needed her with me and I missed her when she wasn't there. Brendon understood that but sometimes I thought it was really hurting him. I wanted to break up with her but I just couldn't. I couldn't. I loved how Brendon pretended like he didn't mind though and I knew he got it because he had felt the same before when he still had been with Fabiola. But me and him weren't the reason why they broke up and he never wanted to tell me the real reason either. I was just glad that I was the one still having the girlfriend and he was all mine even though that was selfish. He could get a girlfriend any second though, I mean, who wouldn't want him? The fangirls were going crazy about him, everyone wanted him and I couldn't blame any one of them.

Keltie threw her arms around me and began placing kisses on the side of my cheek and my neck. I hadn't seen her in weeks. "I missed you so much, baby!", she shouted as I wrapped my arms around her waist. "I missed you too", I replied and kissed her forcefully. She smiled on my lips and pulled me back so she was against the wall. "Get a room!", I heard someone say behind me. We both pulled away and saw Jon walking by with a cheeky smirk. "No, I thought we wanted to go out!", she said and looked around at the others. "I'm staying in", Brendon announced and threw himself onto the couch, turning the TV on to watch some casting show. Jon laughed. "I'm going out. Spence?" "Same!", it came from the bathroom and Spencer grabbed his jacket as he got into the hallway. "Have fun!", we heard from the couch and then left.

"Shame that Brendon didn't want to come", Keltie said with her arm around my waist. "I wanted to tell you all how much I love Pretty. Odd. because I just adore your lyrics, Ry! And I mean ... Brendon's voice is like ... amazing! You guys have done something awesome!" I blushed a little and wished that Brendon would be here to hear what she said about him. He didn't even dislike her for being my girlfriend and I appreciated that so much. I knew he wouldn't just go off and tell her about us, that wasn't his kind. "Don't blush, babe! You should be proud of yourself", she exclaimed. Then she raised her glass and looked around. "To Ryan!", she said and the others cheered with her, making me blush even more.

I couldn't break up with either of them, not with Keltie and definitely not with Brendon.


	13. Blink Back To Let Me Know

It kept being complicated but it was never too much until the day someone new came into Brendon's life and changed his life and mine forever. I still remember it all so well.

I was hanging out in the back of the bus when I heard someone open the door quickly and rush in. But just before he reached the backlounge, he slowed down. I knew it was Brendon, I was so sad that I could tell by the way he was walking. "Hey, Ry...", he said quietly and walked in. He locked the door behind him and sat down next to me. "Something wrong?", I asked. "I have to tell you something", he said and took a deep breath. I started shaking. Was this something sad? Did something happen? He took my hand which seemed like it was something sad, nothing good and comforting like it used to be. "What?", I asked but the tone in my voice gave away how scared I was. "We can't do this anymore." "Why?!", I asked. Was he serious? He couldn't take this away from me, this was my life! "You know this girl I told you about?" I bit my lip and shrugged but of course I remembered. I remembered everything he said, especially when it made me jealous. Of course I remembered how he told me about her, pretty and smart girl with a nice figure and looked kind of mysterious. That's what he had said to me when he was describing her. And I didn't care about it because I had just broken up with Keltie which had reminded me of how long I had been in a relationship when he wasn't. But now he was ending our thing because of her?! What we had was more than something that you could just end! "Ry, this isn't working out anymore. You know how we always said that we have more feelings for eachother than for our girlfriends?" For a second he locked my eyes. I nodded slowly. Oh no. He looked to the ground. "That changed."

My heart started beating fast now. I couldn't handle this and tears ran down my cheeks. "Brendon, you can't do this to me..." A tear ran down his face too. "I'm sorry but Sarah is ... different. She's not like Fabiola and definitely not like Audrey. As much as I love you, Ry. I love her more." Did he just say he loved me? "You love me?", I repeated but my voice was just a hint. Brendon smiled. "Of course, I always did." "You never told me." "I thought that would be inappropriate." I didn't feel so stupid anymore but now that he told me he loved me ... right now he was ending it? "I love you, don't do this to me!", I tried but I knew he had already decided. I knew when he was serious and I could tell when he was sure about something and he was stubborn, he always had been. "I'm falling for her, Ryan. Badly and I know that this thing with us ... it doesn't have a future. You have to admit that..." "No! It was all working out fine, not easy but fine!" "I'm sorry, this is hard for me too." I pulled him over and kissed him and to my surprise he didn't resist. He just returned the kiss and I could taste his and my tears on my lips. He was kissing me desperately now, forcefully like this was our last kiss and that was probably true. It would be our last kiss, ever. But I didn't want to be, I wanted to fight. I pulled away and took both of his hands now. "Can't you keep it up like we did before? Secretive?" He shook his head. "I want to be loyal to her, Ryan." "You were never loyal to me." "I was the whole time, you were just never loyal to me." We had both been loyal and we had both cheated, on different people. He stared me dead in the eye. I couldn't handle his perfection, his eyes, his lips, his voice. He got up and smiled at me with a weak expression on his face. "I'm sorry, Ry. I'm so sorry."

The second he left the bus, I called up Jon and made him come back from the bar he was at. I told him to come to the backlounge and then I locked it up and told him the whole story, I cried the whole fucking time. But he didn't judge me, he was my best friend and didn't dare to judge me. He was just sitting there next to me with his arm around my shoulder, trying to comfort me. And then he said that he had been unsure if he should ask me or not because he was actually trying to find out if something was going between me and Brendon. He had known the whole time, kind of. And that's what showed me how good he actually knew me.


	14. Epilogue

_So that was it?", Mandy asks. I nod and bite my lip. It feels so good to get it out after those years and tell someone who has no idea. "That sucks", she says and takes my hand. "So that's the reason you left?" I nod again. "I asked Jon too and he agreed. We actually were kind of wanting to do the style of Pretty. Odd. but it was mostly because I couldn't be around Brendon after that. I had another girlfriend but that was just distraction, nothing serious. And now I'm recalling everything because Brendon and Sarah are getting married." "How much contact did you have to him and Spencer since then?" "Just some messages, we met once and one call. But it was all so awkward. I just wish I could forget about it all." "That's so sad, I wish I could change everything." I smile at her. I see how she actually cares. _

_Suddenly my phone vibrates in the pocket of my skinnies. I quickly get it out and see that it's an unknown number. Why would someone unknown call me? I pick up. "Yeah?" "Hey, Ryan. It's me ... Brendon", he says. The voice, it's giving me shivers. "Hi...", I stutter. "How are you?", he asks, becoming a little more confident now. "I'm fine, I guess. What about you?" "I'm great. What are you up to? Is this a bad time?" I can't give in, I can't continue to cry so I wipe my tears away and keep a straight face. "No, it's alright. Me and Jon are at this party." "How's Vegas?" "It's awesome, I've missed everything. What's new with you? Congrats on the engagement by the way." I hear him laugh happily. "Thanks, Ry. It's all really stressing around here lately but I'm excited and really looking forward to it." "Great." Why is he telling me that? Does he want to hurt me? "Any reason for this ... sudden call?" "Um...", he stutters nervously. "I know that it has been complicated since ... you know. But I want to invite you to the wedding, I want you to meet Sarah and I want you to approve. Even though we don't talk anymore, you're still my buddy, Ry. I want you to be there, okay? You don't have to come but it would make everything perfect." "Brendon..." "At least think about it and call me back, alright? I'll text you my number because you don't have the new one." "Bren?" "Yeah?" "Are you sure that you want me there?" "Definitely, I've thought about this and Sarah wants to meet you too." "Does she know?" "No. Nobody knows except for us." "And Jon." "Yeah, of course." "I'll think about it, okay?" "Thank you, man. You have no idea how much that means to me. And you can of course bring someone!" "Alright, I'll call you. Bye." For some reason, I feel a lot better, it's a relief._

_"Was that him?", Mandy asks and gives me another drink. I nod slowly, completely stunned. Did he actually call me? Did he actually talk about it? He seems happy, he actually does. Maybe Sarah is good for him, he seems happy. And I want him to be happy, that's all I ever wanted. And maybe I can be happy in my own way too. If he can, I can. There's no difference. I turn to Mandy who's still giving me her amazing smile. "Yeah, he invited me to his wedding." "That's cute! Are you going?" "I think I actually am. Mandy?" "Yes?" "Would you want to be my date for the wedding?" _


End file.
